Oracles Will Never Fall in Love Again

Reprinting “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”, with some liberties taken in the translation. Apologies to Burt Bacharach and anyone who meant for this to rhyme.

What do you get when you play without Dana?
A team with the bats to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again

What do you get when you strike out in slow pitch
You get enough shame to hide in your Solo cup
After you do, you’ll never be the same
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again

Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I struck out
Out of the batters box that bedevils you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you hit a pop fly
You get it caught and end the inning
That's what you get, an out that is useless
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again

Out of the batters box that bedevils you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you fail to score runs?
You only get zeros and pain and sorrow
So for at least until next Thursday
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again

I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again

Oh how low the mighty Oracles were yesterday. Words are inadequate to describe the pain and anguish from the barely-assembled game against Seven (formerly Vista Cruisers … it’s a Microsoft operating system joke, just go with it), which ended with the Oracles losing by a miserable score of 14-4 after only five innings.

After last week’s 27-9 whooping, the Oracles were flying high … perhaps too high. Thursday’s game got off to an inauspicious start hours before the first pitch was thrown, with the Oracles doubting both the weather and their ability to field a full team. Eventually they did both, but the serious levels of stress and doubt it caused everyone clearly threw them off their horse.

The Seven(s?) were good, very good. They had quick gloves, steady arms, and a well-developed ability to hit line drives JUST a bit higher than anyone could reach when the Oracles were in the field. After piling up six runs in the first inning, they settled down to add a few more at a time, all the while locking up the Oracles bats.

Speaking of the Oracles bat, what the bloody hell happened? I’m not talking about only scoring four runs, every team has bad days. I’m talking about what I believe were FOUR CONSECUTIVE STRIKE OUTS IN SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL!!!! It was like Whiff City out there. Team Seven must have thought they were pitching to blind, paraplegic ducks in a barrel at that point. No strikeouts next week, period, or we’re going to call Brianne “The Boss Man” Nadeau in to teach everyone a lesson.

With that said, there were some memorable moments beyond the absurd number of consecutive strikeouts. Like, say, the giant “thing” on Nelson’s back. If you didn’t see it, don’t ask. But it was huge and angry. I get shivers just writing about it. Nelson, get that thing fixed.

We also can thank Nelson for dashing to third base at the end of the game with enough vigor and enthusiasm to carry him past the bag and knock over Tim. He had a stroke, Nelson, isn’t that enough!? Tim later commented that he wondered if his hand was broken, but wasn’t sure because he only has 75% feeling on his right side. This writer assured him (despite having no known medical degrees), that a broken arm or hand, even if felt only at 75% intensity, would still hurt a lot … and Tim probably wouldn’t have been able to focus on drinking more beer, which he did con mucho gusto.

Next game, the Oracles must make sure to tell the other team that “in case we happen to be up by 10 or down by 10 in the 4th inning, we don’t play by the mercy rule” or something. The Oracles come out to play ball, just like Daniel Stern in the seminal baseball movie Rookie of the Year. We don’t want anyone stopping play before it’s dark out … why else would you come out on a Thursday night if not to play until you can’t play anymore?



Well, Oracles, it was a painful day. But we’ll bounce back next week. Only two more games until we take over the FIELD OF DREAMS!

Oh, and for the record. PCs and their operating systems suck. The Oracles are a Mac.