Oracles Kiss Their Sister, Enjoy It

Sometimes, the saying goes, a minute can seem like an eternity (or is it a lifetime? Both are kinda long). For the Oracles, the bottom half of the first inning against the Navy's Loose Cannons seemed like several eternities, with an encore performance of "Free Bird" thrown in for effect. The Loose Cannons' pitcher, by all accounts a very pleasant and upstanding member of society, stubbornly threw the exact same pitch over and over again, a pitch that, without fail, landed on or short of the plate. In a fast pitch game, the poor girl's arm would have fallen off after her pitch count broke 40 in the first inning alone. It was a test of the Oracles' patience. Oddly enough, despite such frustrations, Roy was STILL able to hit the first pitch thrown to him, proving that there are some things in the lives of the Oracles that just resist all outside influences.

During that inning, Tim kept up the steady patter that has shock jock radio stations begging for his services, like this gem while he was patiently waiting for a ball he could hit after yet another ball dropped at his feet:

Pitcher: "That was my sinker"
Tim: "That was just short"

Really, the whole game was the Tim and Brian show. Why, you may ask, does Brian get to share the glory? Because Brian is the writer. And because Brian was really awesome, except for that one moment where he threw high AND inside on the Loose Cannons' grandfather, only to see the man bash the ball over the right field fence. EXCEPT for that moment, Brian was awesome. More on that later ...

Later being now. Also in that first inning, Brian drilled a grounder up the middle that somehow was misplayed badly enough that Brian ended up on third. At that point, an overthrow from the outfield left the ball dribbling slowly between 3rd and home. Seizing the opportunity to show off, Brian scampered home for a weird inside the park, ground ball 2-run homer. Any port in a storm, or something like that.

In the second, the Oracles temporarily forgot how to catch and field for a few minutes, allowing one-run to score. But then the defense re-learned its ABCs and remembered how to count 123, and the inning was over, with the Oracles leading 3-1.

In the third inning, the aforementioned, totally awesome Brian replaced Lucinda for one inning of pitching gnarliness. And it was gnarly, except for that home run we aren't going to talk about anymore. Instead, we'll focus on Tim's reaction as he walked out to catch. Cup in hand, he strolled to the plate to take his place as catcher. As he neared the plate, his head rose up to look at the mound, and a look of shock and disgust passed through his face as he noted that Brian, not Lucinda, was pitching. All he could choke out was a loud, long "WHATTTTTT?!!" Brian almost asked for a different catcher at that point, particularly when Tim alerted the other team that "He has never pitched before; he has no idea what he is doing." Whatever.

In the bottom of the third, with the game tied at three, and the sun already setting thanks to the long-ass first inning, Brian again came home to score with opportunistic baserunning. Did he get a ticker-tape parade? NOOOOOOO. Though, it should be noted that the Oracles were very short-handed at the game, with no substitutes, so maybe they didn't have time to plan the parade. The inning ended with the Oracles up 4-3.

The fourth inning was an ugly affair, as both teams began to be affected by the creeping approach of nightfall. Even the neon yellow ball was not a guarantee that catches wouldn't be dropped or throws muffed. Each team scored one run, and the inning ended with the Oracles leading 5-4. For the game to be official, five innings had to be completed, so there remained one dark, treacherous inning to be played.

In the fifth inning, with Tim calling for "three up, three down", the Oracles started playing like what they really were, a bunch of people who couldnt see shit in the darkness. The opportunistic Loose Cannons jumped all over the ball with multiple doubles and smart baserunning, and threatened to blow the game wide open before the Oracles' defense cracked down and got out of the top of the inning down only 6-5.

And thus, we come to the bottom of the fifth inning, the moment when we learn who is a player, and who is just getting played. A time when heroes are made and villains soundly beaten with a big stick. A time when nations crumble but the Oracles' stick together. A time ... for bad decisions, apparently. Sean "Still not an IRA terrorist" Ryan came to the plate with the game resting on his shoulders, and walloped the ball into the outfield. Equipped with wheels of fury, he tore around the basepath, ignoring Tim's cries to "Stay" at second. The ball and Sean arrived at third base at the same time, and despite his beautiful, textbook, dirt-disturbing slide, he was out. Later in the inning, Brian, He of Great Importance to This Story, came to bat, and picked up his third hit of the game, making it to 2nd base on an overthrow. With one out, Brian advanced to third on Kristen "Totally Makes it Worth Having Roy Around" ground out to the pitcher, and here we come to the defining moment. Brian at third and two outs, when Britt steps to the plate (if our memory serves us right). Britt grounds the ball up the middle, and the Loose Cannons' fielder scoops it up. Brian dashes to home, sure the run won't count, but wait! An overthrow, an overthrow! Oracles tie the game, 6-6!

Unfortunately, the Oracles were unable to take the lead, but we all, except for maybe Tim, decided that we could accept a tie in the days leading up to our weekend tournament appearance. Tim, disgusted with the lack of a victory, announced that "a tie is like kissing your sister." Which led to this unfortunate reply, a stab at humor that just made everyone uncomfortable, by Brian: "doesn't everybody kiss their sister?"

In fact, after the game, many humorous or otherwise awkward statements were made that really must be shared with everyone. At one point, when Brian was mocking Tim, Tim turned to Brian and announced: "You don't talk, I talk."

When Tim was talking about his younger sister used to try to set him up with younger girls when he was growing up in WV, Brian interjected to note that "so when you were growing up in the backwoods of west virginia, you could put a little makeup on anything, even your dog, and it would look good".

Tim continued with his stories, including a comment about how he "was watching the Olympics," leading Sean to interrupt him and point out that he "hates the Olympics. I want to watch real sports", ignoring the fact that nearly every sport known to man is played during the Olympics. Oh, but Sean is, despite his Irish terrorist origins, as American as they come, and clarified that he was in need of "football. not soccer football, but football football."

Finally, to cap off a night of awkward moments, Brian made a very understandable mistake and threatened to give Kristen, a very nice, wonderful person, a "nookie." For the record, and just to head off any potential lawsuits, he meant "noogie." That is "noogie," spelled "n" "o" "o" "g" "i" "e".

MVP of the game: If you didn't see this one coming from a mile away, you need glasses. Brian. He rocked.

Howard Stern award for Achievements in Talking: Tim. It's more of a lifetime achievement award than a recognition of any single statement.

Don't forget everyone, we've got at least two tournament games on Saturday afternoon. Brianne is bringing the mimosas and Jason is bringing the bloody marys. We've also got leftover beer. Everyone who is in town must come.