Oracles Fall to Canons, 13-7

Not since Casey struck out to end the game had Mudville been so depressed. The rumors began to spread from villager to villager soon after dusk on Thursday, rumors so horrible that many considered them to be sheer blasphemy. “The Oracles have lost,” cried one old man before he was set upon by an angry mob of soccer moms. “I hear the score was 13-7 in the other team’s favor,” whispered a little girl to her friends, before a bully buried her in the sandbox. Everywhere, dinners ended abruptly and telemarketers chose to wait to call until a more reasonable hour. Could it be true?

One intrepid TV reporter ventured out in the street to ask for peoples’ reactions; it was a fool-hardy move. He is now in traction at the local hospital. Yet, despite all attempts to suppress discussion, it soon became clear to all but the most stubborn that the Oracles had in fact seen their three-game winning streak come to an abrupt halt.

Let us know look back in time and review how this game, this game that tore a small town apart, came to end in such a tragic manner.

The day of the game, the Field of Dreams was looking a bit shabby. The grass was long, very long. In fact, grass seemed to have grass growing on top of it (R-rated grass on grass action?). Hippie grass, one person called it. Additionally, the field was billowing dirt particles whenever a player took a step; during base-running, clouds of dirt would drift lazily across the field. In contrast to the field, both teams look sharp, very sharp.

It was the Oracles versus the dreaded Tax Court’s team, Colvin’s Canons. While their record was not good, their recent three-game winning streak indicated that they were locked and loaded, ready to deliver opening statements and cross-examine the witness … with a vengeance. The stage for a tough fight was set early, when Tim “I may need someone to run for me, but I do ALL my own talking” O’Neill decided to strike a low blow, telling the Oracles (in a rather loud voice) that tax lawyers were not just scum, that they were the lowest of all scum. And the fight was on …

It was a beautiful night, and the beer was flowing freely. Unlike previous games, the Oracles (and their opponents) remembered how to use their bats to create plays; after the first few innings, Tim was floating in the space between happiness and euphoria as the Oracles hit single after single, marred only by Adam “Ball and Chain” Morgan’s selfish grand slam (way to break up the band, big guy).

After the Oracles fell behind on a Canon’s 3-run dinger, they came back through smart base-running and a little luck to load the bases with 2 outs and Adam stepping to the plate. After one epic swing merely knocked the ball into the dirt at his feet, Adam tapped his bat on his shoes, pointed as if he was calling his shot, and proceeded to swat a monstrous grand slam that cleared the batting cages and put the Oracles back in the lead. After that, the two teams cracked down on defense for an inning or tow, until, it is painful to admit, Colvin’s Canons opened a small can of whoop-ass with a grand slam of their own, taking a 7-6 lead, a lead which they would never give up.

As team captain and token elected official Brianne sadly reported via e-mail later that evening, a report that set off a panic in Mudville, the Oracles eventually lost 13-7 to a solid Colvin’s Canons. It was a respectable loss, but a loss nonetheless. And the toll, oh the cost, of the loss to the citizens of Mudville. Hours after the game, the town’s widespread discontent translated itself into a series of small, pointless brawls that soon turned into a massive fight that left five dead, 32 wounded, and a town torn apart by the agony of defeat.

Luckily for the Oracles, they missed the violence, as they were out at the Pour House, doing what they do best, drinking. They will live to play (and win) again.

Thumbs up go to: Brittani. She doesn’t get to play with the Oracles that often, but when she does, she makes the most of it. Special recognition and Web Gem status for her over-the-shoulder snag of a line drive while playing shortstop.
Thumbs down go to: Amy, for confusedly remarking that Brittani was Adam’s girlfriend, while Sam stood next to Amy looking confused.

Thumps up go to: The beautiful Delicia to Adam double play. There was magic in that relay.
Thumbs down go to: The team comedians. The tax jokes were atrocious. No jokes should ever be made in a sports context about audits or missing filing deadlines.

Thumbs up go to: Nelson, for bragging about his unwashed clothing (3 months and counting, he claims).
Thumbs down go to: Nelson, for wearing unwashed clothing.

MVP: Adam. The man hit a selfish grand slam, and we can’t condone that sort of “me me me” spirit, but hell, he’s engaged!