ORACLES WIN 17-4, NOW RANKED #13

Teacher: "Alright kids, now open your picture books to page 12! Today we are going to try something a little different. I know you were all looking forward to finding Waldo, but he's on strike until his pension plan is restored. Instead, today we are going to ... FIND BRIANNE!"
Kids: "Yayyy .... who?"
Teacher: "She is the Captain and heart of the Oracles softball team, a very important person. You should all try REALLY hard to find her."

5 minutes later

Fat Kid with Runny Nose: "Teacher, I can't find Brianne!"
Teacher: "I'm sure she's there, you just need to look harder."
FKwRN: "I swear, she's not there. The only Oracle I can find is Brian."
Teacher: "What a letdown ..."


In a game marred only by the absence of Captain Brianne (ably replaced by the similarly named Captain Brian) and by the sheer incompetence of the DOJers pitching staff, the Oracles ran roughshod over a team that was simply not meant to be on the same field at the same time playing the same sport.

For once, the Oracles combined awe-inspiring and towering drives with quick gloves and steady arms, cracking down on the DOJers with a fury normally reserved for angry gods in ancient myths (the game left everyone Thor ... get it?). Despite the inability of the DOJers captain to toss a ball over the plate, and despite his apparent resemblance to Napoleon Dynamite--I still don't see it, but I'll trust you guys--the Oracles found their groove in the second inning and efficiently churned out runs and chalked up outs. Dana and Lucinda manned the mound with a steadfastness that warmed the cockles of the Oracles' large hearts, and the constantly position-swapping infield made the plays that got the outs.

But all the efficiency in the world was overshadowed by the wonderful Ian-to the infield-to Dana relay that robbed a DOJer of what looked to be an easy run at home. In the world of softball, it is unheard of to be thrown out at home on an outfield hit. But that is the Oracles for you, doing the unexpected and generally just rocking your world. All you gotta ask is, "What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!"

After the game, the Oracles gathering quickly dispersed for a Christy-free evening of no drinking (Christy, you are our enabler, come back to us!) but not until the team drained Nelson's impromptu beer cooler of all its delicious Bud Light and Yuengling. Major props to Nelson for being Nelson.


Watch out for: The sinkhole ... oops, too late.

MVP: Nelson. Hit some towering drives, but most importantly, created his own, environmentally-friendly beer transportation and storage device.



Best impersonation of the Incredible Hulk: Goes to Tim, for his ranting and raving on the third base line after a foul call that offended his delicate sensibilities. He apologized later, but we are now very scared. VERY scared.

The Coach is good for something: Goes to me (Brian) for breaking out of my home run drought, and then turning what looked to be a fly-out into a frenetic, topsy-turvy triple that involved more scampering and sliding than a day at a water park.

Looking Forward to: The Field of Dreams becoming a reality next week. The Field of Dreams: A Squatter-Free Enviroment (I was going to write "Squat-Free" but then I remembered Nelson's proclivity to use nature as his restroom).

Missing Persons Report: The West Virginians, Andrew and Miranda. I realize the lyrics to the song are: "Country Roads, take me home/To the place I belong/West Virginia, mountain mama/Take me home, country roads." But can you go home at a time when you haven't promised to play with us?

Last words: America, still Fuck Yeah