Reprinting “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”, with some liberties taken in the translation. Apologies to Burt Bacharach and anyone who meant for this to rhyme.
What do you get when you play without Dana?
A team with the bats to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again
What do you get when you strike out in slow pitch
You get enough shame to hide in your Solo cup
After you do, you’ll never be the same
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again
Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I struck out
Out of the batters box that bedevils you
That is why I'm here to remind you
What do you get when you hit a pop fly
You get it caught and end the inning
That's what you get, an out that is useless
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again
Out of the batters box that bedevils you
That is why I'm here to remind you
What do you get when you fail to score runs?
You only get zeros and pain and sorrow
So for at least until next Thursday
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again
I'll never play softball again
Oh how low the mighty Oracles were yesterday. Words are inadequate to describe the pain and anguish from the barely-assembled game against Seven (formerly Vista Cruisers … it’s a Microsoft operating system joke, just go with it), which ended with the Oracles losing by a miserable score of 14-4 after only five innings.
After last week’s 27-9 whooping, the Oracles were flying high … perhaps too high. Thursday’s game got off to an inauspicious start hours before the first pitch was thrown, with the Oracles doubting both the weather and their ability to field a full team. Eventually they did both, but the serious levels of stress and doubt it caused everyone clearly threw them off their horse.
The Seven(s?) were good, very good. They had quick gloves, steady arms, and a well-developed ability to hit line drives JUST a bit higher than anyone could reach when the Oracles were in the field. After piling up six runs in the first inning, they settled down to add a few more at a time, all the while locking up the Oracles bats.
Speaking of the Oracles bat, what the bloody hell happened? I’m not talking about only scoring four runs, every team has bad days. I’m talking about what I believe were FOUR CONSECUTIVE STRIKE OUTS IN SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL!!!! It was like Whiff City out there. Team Seven must have thought they were pitching to blind, paraplegic ducks in a barrel at that point. No strikeouts next week, period, or we’re going to call Brianne “The Boss Man” Nadeau in to teach everyone a lesson.
With that said, there were some memorable moments beyond the absurd number of consecutive strikeouts. Like, say, the giant “thing” on Nelson’s back. If you didn’t see it, don’t ask. But it was huge and angry. I get shivers just writing about it. Nelson, get that thing fixed.
We also can thank Nelson for dashing to third base at the end of the game with enough vigor and enthusiasm to carry him past the bag and knock over Tim. He had a stroke, Nelson, isn’t that enough!? Tim later commented that he wondered if his hand was broken, but wasn’t sure because he only has 75% feeling on his right side. This writer assured him (despite having no known medical degrees), that a broken arm or hand, even if felt only at 75% intensity, would still hurt a lot … and Tim probably wouldn’t have been able to focus on drinking more beer, which he did con mucho gusto.
Next game, the Oracles must make sure to tell the other team that “in case we happen to be up by 10 or down by 10 in the 4th inning, we don’t play by the mercy rule” or something. The Oracles come out to play ball, just like Daniel Stern in the seminal baseball movie Rookie of the Year. We don’t want anyone stopping play before it’s dark out … why else would you come out on a Thursday night if not to play until you can’t play anymore?
Well, Oracles, it was a painful day. But we’ll bounce back next week. Only two more games until we take over the FIELD OF DREAMS!
Oh, and for the record. PCs and their operating systems suck. The Oracles are a Mac.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Oracles' Bats Wake Up, Do the Shimmy-Shimmy-Shake
Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Oracles, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27. Oracles, I love thee 27 ways, one way for each run thee brought home last night in a rare game where darkness never was a factor and the abysmal fielding conditions (sun in everyone's eyes, especially Brian's. Just remember that, next time thee blame him for his abnormally poor fielding yesterday) didn't stop the Oracles from putting an astonishing 27 runs on the board on their way to thumping the valiant but outclassed Washington Bashionals 27-9.
With the thermometer finally starting to crack 80, the Oracles cracked open 48 cans of beer during the game to fuel their desire to win and to continually toast long-time Oracle Dana "Little Girls are Made of Cigarettes and Beer" MacDonald in her last game before migrating west to the quaint little town of Portland, OR to continue her schooling. No longer, alas, will the Oracles be privy to Dana schooling the competition from the mound, a cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth, and a cup of beer resting precariously at her feet, just asking to be knocked over by a ground ball up the middle. Oh Dana, what WILL we do without you?! Tim will be heartbroken.
Honestly, with 27 runs scored, it is almost impossible to provide any sort of report on what happened during the game--it's all a blur of base runners and scorecards ... and beer. According to my iPhone notes, hastily taken between innings, I'm supposed to congratulate the following people for their heroics:
-Amy hit the first home run of her Oracles' career (I think), and not only did she make it all the way around the bases, she did so after executing a textbook slide into 3rd base that ultimately proved unnecessary, though it looked very nice
-Poor Alex. The game had barely started when the other team launched two deep balls almost consecutively way over his head, sending him huffing and puffing into the next game over's outfield. By the time the first inning had wrapped up, he looked and sounded as winded as if he had just run the 100-meter dash.
-Our thoughts go out to the guy on the other team who apparently hurt himself on a swinging third strike. That can't feel good.
-Welcome to Matt, who moved from New York just to join the Oracles lineup. If you need anything catered in the coming months, give him a call. I hear he does everything short of breakfast in bed.
-Welcome back to Kristen, aka Mrs. Roy, aka Roy's Better Half, who showed off, once again, why we love her: she can hit and she can throw. And she NEVER swings at the first pitch.
MVP Award goes to: Dana. Who else? She has become an Oracles institution, and we are all going to miss her funny, mildly cynical self at all of our games. Dana, this Bud's for you.
Happy Memorial Day weekend, Oracles. Martina was kind enough to take a bunch of game photos, so look for the photo feed on the site to start showing some fresh faces and new angles over the weekend.
With the thermometer finally starting to crack 80, the Oracles cracked open 48 cans of beer during the game to fuel their desire to win and to continually toast long-time Oracle Dana "Little Girls are Made of Cigarettes and Beer" MacDonald in her last game before migrating west to the quaint little town of Portland, OR to continue her schooling. No longer, alas, will the Oracles be privy to Dana schooling the competition from the mound, a cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth, and a cup of beer resting precariously at her feet, just asking to be knocked over by a ground ball up the middle. Oh Dana, what WILL we do without you?! Tim will be heartbroken.
Honestly, with 27 runs scored, it is almost impossible to provide any sort of report on what happened during the game--it's all a blur of base runners and scorecards ... and beer. According to my iPhone notes, hastily taken between innings, I'm supposed to congratulate the following people for their heroics:
-Amy hit the first home run of her Oracles' career (I think), and not only did she make it all the way around the bases, she did so after executing a textbook slide into 3rd base that ultimately proved unnecessary, though it looked very nice
-Poor Alex. The game had barely started when the other team launched two deep balls almost consecutively way over his head, sending him huffing and puffing into the next game over's outfield. By the time the first inning had wrapped up, he looked and sounded as winded as if he had just run the 100-meter dash.
-Our thoughts go out to the guy on the other team who apparently hurt himself on a swinging third strike. That can't feel good.
-Welcome to Matt, who moved from New York just to join the Oracles lineup. If you need anything catered in the coming months, give him a call. I hear he does everything short of breakfast in bed.
-Welcome back to Kristen, aka Mrs. Roy, aka Roy's Better Half, who showed off, once again, why we love her: she can hit and she can throw. And she NEVER swings at the first pitch.
MVP Award goes to: Dana. Who else? She has become an Oracles institution, and we are all going to miss her funny, mildly cynical self at all of our games. Dana, this Bud's for you.
Happy Memorial Day weekend, Oracles. Martina was kind enough to take a bunch of game photos, so look for the photo feed on the site to start showing some fresh faces and new angles over the weekend.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Oracles Scrape the Rust off Their Hybrid Bats, Reduce Oil Barons’ Market Share
Was it William Shakespeare who said that succinctness was the sign of a great man? I hope so, because this recap is going to be shorter than Tim’s attention span when he doesn’t have a beer in his hand. Oracles win 6-4, beating the Oil Barons. The end.
Just kidding, we have more than that. In the first game of the year (the first attempt at the first game was foiled by Mother Nature last week), the Oracles hit almost nothing but singles because, honestly, they couldn’t hit anything out of the infield on a day when the rust from a 9-month hiatus was clearly visible. Beyond a heroic home run by Brian “Being Manny” Wagner and an almost-heroic home run by Britt “Cleat-less Joe Jackson” McEachern, the Oracles legged out infield dribblers and took advantage of fielding errors to rack up an early six runs and then hold on to limit the Oil Barons’ attempts to exploit the masses, increase oil prices, and score more runs.
The Oracles started off the season by picking right back up in at least one area – showing up late for the game. By the proposed start time of 6:30 pm, beer was still missing, and a half-dozen players had yet to show up. But what do you expect? The Oracles don’t practice, they make up their fielding lineup each inning from scratch, and the NEVER start a game on time.
Kudos to Mike “Dracula” Pierce and Brianne “She-Dracula” Nadeau for contributing to the team despite having lost pints of blood somewhere on the way to the field. The Red Cross thanks you for your donation, and would like to know if you are available next Thursday as well.
Kudos to the Oil Barons, a first-year team that played hard and had fun. We look forward to thwarting their global fossil fuel conspiracy again next year.
Kudos also to Alex’s friend Dahlia (sp?) who couldn’t find her own team so she joined ours. We would love for her own team to disappear in the future so we can have her join us again!
And last but not least, kudos to all the Oracles who showed up to help get this season starting on the right foot: Brianne, Brian, Adam, Mike, Ian, Amy, Molly, Martin, Roy, Nelson, Lucinda, John, Sean, Britt, Tim, Alex and Dana. And thanks to those who came out to cheer us on: Henry, Stella, Martina, etc.
The Oracles’ blogging skills are a bit rusty after a long hiatus, so look for even more hilarity, wisdom, and insight to be provided in future Friday posts.
Next Week: The Oracles take on team Boxer on the Mall. We are the home team, so we will need someone to stake out a field position early!
Just kidding, we have more than that. In the first game of the year (the first attempt at the first game was foiled by Mother Nature last week), the Oracles hit almost nothing but singles because, honestly, they couldn’t hit anything out of the infield on a day when the rust from a 9-month hiatus was clearly visible. Beyond a heroic home run by Brian “Being Manny” Wagner and an almost-heroic home run by Britt “Cleat-less Joe Jackson” McEachern, the Oracles legged out infield dribblers and took advantage of fielding errors to rack up an early six runs and then hold on to limit the Oil Barons’ attempts to exploit the masses, increase oil prices, and score more runs.
The Oracles started off the season by picking right back up in at least one area – showing up late for the game. By the proposed start time of 6:30 pm, beer was still missing, and a half-dozen players had yet to show up. But what do you expect? The Oracles don’t practice, they make up their fielding lineup each inning from scratch, and the NEVER start a game on time.
Kudos to Mike “Dracula” Pierce and Brianne “She-Dracula” Nadeau for contributing to the team despite having lost pints of blood somewhere on the way to the field. The Red Cross thanks you for your donation, and would like to know if you are available next Thursday as well.
Kudos to the Oil Barons, a first-year team that played hard and had fun. We look forward to thwarting their global fossil fuel conspiracy again next year.
Kudos also to Alex’s friend Dahlia (sp?) who couldn’t find her own team so she joined ours. We would love for her own team to disappear in the future so we can have her join us again!
And last but not least, kudos to all the Oracles who showed up to help get this season starting on the right foot: Brianne, Brian, Adam, Mike, Ian, Amy, Molly, Martin, Roy, Nelson, Lucinda, John, Sean, Britt, Tim, Alex and Dana. And thanks to those who came out to cheer us on: Henry, Stella, Martina, etc.
The Oracles’ blogging skills are a bit rusty after a long hiatus, so look for even more hilarity, wisdom, and insight to be provided in future Friday posts.
Next Week: The Oracles take on team Boxer on the Mall. We are the home team, so we will need someone to stake out a field position early!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Oracles Get Rained On; Hold Wake For Adam's Eye
Expectations were high yesterday for the Oracles' first game of the year, but not high enough to rise above the clouds that angrily spit on the National Mall for several hours on Thursday afternoon. The wrath of the gods forced the Oracles to call the whole thing off, leaving behind only tears to mingle with the rain.
All was not lost though, as three intrepid souls, Brian, the soon-to-be-departed Dana, and Tim gathered at Sine in Pentagon Row to hold a wake for Adam's dearly departed eye. When informed that Adam had not in fact lost his eye and it "'tis but a flesh wound", they decided to keep drinking just for the heck of it.
Never fear Oracles, for next week is a new week, and with a new week comes a new game. Next week ... we will win!
All was not lost though, as three intrepid souls, Brian, the soon-to-be-departed Dana, and Tim gathered at Sine in Pentagon Row to hold a wake for Adam's dearly departed eye. When informed that Adam had not in fact lost his eye and it "'tis but a flesh wound", they decided to keep drinking just for the heck of it.
Never fear Oracles, for next week is a new week, and with a new week comes a new game. Next week ... we will win!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Let's Play Ball!
Fresh off a long hiatus, ready to kick butt and take names, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, your 2009 Oracles!
They're mean, kinda lean (though with some pudge around the middle) and so cocky that they refuse to practice. Expect the improbable, embrace the absurd, and get ready for a lesson in old-fashioned hustle and grit.
In the next month, you will find the Oracles on the National Mall, carving out any patch of grass that roughly approximates a baseball diamond (a full outfield would be a bonus) for the equivalent of a sandlot game.
In the coming weeks, the Oracles play the following teams:
May 7, 2009: Hitmen
May 14, 2009: Oil Barons
May 21, 2009: Boxer
May 28, 2009: Vista Cruisers
Expect the Oracles to beat them all.
Let's Play Ball!
They're mean, kinda lean (though with some pudge around the middle) and so cocky that they refuse to practice. Expect the improbable, embrace the absurd, and get ready for a lesson in old-fashioned hustle and grit.
In the next month, you will find the Oracles on the National Mall, carving out any patch of grass that roughly approximates a baseball diamond (a full outfield would be a bonus) for the equivalent of a sandlot game.
In the coming weeks, the Oracles play the following teams:
May 7, 2009: Hitmen
May 14, 2009: Oil Barons
May 21, 2009: Boxer
May 28, 2009: Vista Cruisers
Expect the Oracles to beat them all.
Let's Play Ball!
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