Oracles Beat the Nationals, Make History

It was a special night for the Oracles on July 17, 2008, two weeks and 232 years since our great team declared independence from the oppressive House Softball League, aka “The Brits”. In honor of the special occasion, Brianne “Brakes for Little Kids, Gets Out of Her Car, and Gives Them Her Car” Nadeau pulled out all the stops and arranged for the Washington Nationals, one of the worst teams in Major League Baseball (but numero uno in our hearts, right?), to travel to the Field of Dreams for a knock-down, drag-out softball game.

Missing only their shortstop, the All-Star Cristian Guzman, the Nationals arrived at the field in their official team short bus. Unbeknownst to them, the scruffy chauffeur, Adam “I’m still on this team, right?” had not been sent to pick them up by the management. And those drinks he served them in the short bus? Well, let’s just say that its hard to play a good game of softball after downing Ex-Lax.

At 7:01 p.m., jets from Andrews Air Force Base flew over the field, shattering every window in the neighborhood and causing Tim “First Base Coaches Should Not Coach From the Dugout” O’Neill to lose his hearing. For the rest of the game, he wandered around shouting “SINGLES SCORE RUNS” at everyone who crossed his line of sight.

The Nationals took the field first, and despite their short bus experience (in the Major League, every other team views the Nationals as being “special”), proceeded to knock the first three pitches they saw over the fence. Were it not for the aforementioned jets, the Nats would have shattered a few windows.

But just when Ian and Roy began to cry, when Nelson gnashed his teeth and Amy began to throw softballs at her sister, Brianne took one step out of the dugout, then another, then another, and another, and so on, until she was standing in front of the Nationals’ dugout. Pointing to the fence, she reminded the team that, under our rules, they were out of home runs. Oh, how the Nationals howled. Elijah Dukes tore first base from the ground and chucked it at Chase, who of course, caught it barehanded with his eyes closed while making a long-distance call using only a can and some string to Guatemala. It was truly inspiring to see the Oracles’ own MacGyver at work. Despite the Nats’ attempts to challenge the rules, Brianne “Still braking for little kids, and giving them our field” Nadeau was solid as a rock, and budged not one inch. In fact, by the time she returned to our side of the field, she had convinced the Nationals to contribute to the education of her first-born child. She’s VERY persuasive.

At that point, with the Nats unsure of how to hit singles in such a tiny park (Tim’s hearing was not back yet, so his chants of “singles score runs” were cruel reminders of the Nats inability to play small ball), the Oracles began to surge forward. With the local police standing on the sidelines mocking the Nats (“Nice stadium you guys got this year? When are we getting a team to go with it?”), the Oracles began scattering ugly but effective bloopers all over the field.

In the third inning, with the Nats leading 4-3, Dana “Everything’s Better with Nicotine” MacDonald, came to the plate with the bases loaded and 1 out. After watching, one, two, three balls go by, she coiled up and let loose at the unfortunate 4th pitching, spanking it like a naughty child back in the days when spanking wouldn’t get you five years in the clink. Up the ball sailed, high in the air, drifting lazily towards left field. The Nats’ fielder, Wily Mo Pena, settled underneath the ball. It began, inexorably, to drop towards his awaiting glove. Then, out of nowhere, two pigeons came rocketing across the field, engaged in a high speed mating dance. The lead pigeon, unaware of its surroundings, rammed straight into the ball, pushing it several feet closer to the fence and away from Pena. The ball hit the ground, the pigeon hit the ground, and the ball rolled slowly towards, and then under, the outfield fence, for a ground rule double. Two runs came in, and Dana was standing up at second base. Also standing up was the unfortunate pigeon, who flapped its wings a few times before taking off again. Pena just scratched his head.

The next batter up, Ian “The Outfield is for Conference Calls” Grant, picked up one of Adam’s wooden bats—this one dubbed “Rent Collector” in homage to Adam’s horrible sense of humor and also his chosen profession—swung it a few times. Then stepped to the plate and whiffed the first pitch. Then he whiffed the second pitch. Then he whiffed the … no, he barely brushed the ball, but he was still alive. On the sidelines, Amy and Susan are doing the wave while everyone else is buried nose-deep in a cup of one of the last remaining all-American brewskis, Budweiser. The fourth pitch is a big, fat, Rookie of the Year-style floater. Tongue wagging, Ian leaned back and swung with all his might through the ball, sending it right back at the Nats’ pitcher, Tim Redding. Redding got his glove up, but misjudges, and the ball lands in his midsection with a meaty “whump!” Redding crumpled, and the runners dashed madcap around the bases as the Nats ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. By the time the dust settled, the Oracles led 7-3, and the Nats were utterly demoralized. At that point, Manny Acta, the Nats’ manager, showed up at the field to collect his team, which had been fooled by Adam to believing the game was a scheduled charity event. It wasn’t. Our bad.

As the Nats’ trudged off the field, nursing wounded body parts and a massively bruised collective ego, the Oracles popped open more beers and celebrated their utter dominance of Major League Baseball’s Little League-level team, the Washington Nationals. Ian and Amy professed their love for each other (ewww), Delicia danced an impromptu recital on the mound, and Nelson ran in circles until he dropped to the ground, exhausted and in need of a cigarette.

Good game Oracles! Too bad I just made all this up. It would have been one hell of a story for the grandkids. In reality, we had two teams cancel on us in the same day, so we beat someone by forfeit. Just not sure who. Ultimately, we incorporated five people from another team and basically scrimmaged against ourselves, with the Oracles beating the Oracles in a shortened game.