Oracles Fall to Margin of Terror, 9-3.

Click here for a pre-recap pep talk …

Now, let’s face the facts, Oracles. We lost. We lost legitimately. There was nothing funny, or evil, or zany about the game. In fact, I’m at a loss right now on how to recap this game. That’s why I threw in the link above, to distract you from the pedestrian nature of this recap (thanks Peyton, for having my back. I was worried Dana was going to stab me for the lateness of this posting).

First, let’s start with the good. Oracles showed up on time and in significant numbers, carrying with them loads of enthusiasm and good cheer. We got plenty of warm-up in the field and at the plate, and overall comported ourselves in a very professional manner. Except for two innings of close calls and lucky hits, we shut the Margin of Terror machine down.

Unfortunately, for the second time in a row, our bats, normally ever so mighty, were silenced. Part of it could have been due to the very competent fielding of MoT, and part of it may just have been due to Tim’s absence – I’m not pointing fingers, but there seemed to be a lot of people failing to hit singles and score runs … cough, cough, Mary Beth and Stella.

I would venture a guess that the sheer amount of time the Oracles had to prepare for the game utterly messed up our mojo. The Oracles don’t PRACTICE. We don’t PREPARE. And we certainly don’t BEHAVE. What makes the Oracles far better on the field than we look on paper is that certain indescribable scrappiness and tenacity (je ne sais "fuck it?") that we bring to the field by showing up late and getting rowdy and drunk. How many teams have anything closely resembling Tim and his prodigious heckling abilities? How many teams have a dog trying to catch every ball? How many teams, I ask, patented the shotgun beer rally to win games?!



We are like the Bad News Bears with the ability to win on a regular basis (I haven’t actually seen that movie, so I don’t know if they ever win. Pretend they don’t). Hell, screw the Bad News Bears. We are like the Clint Howard of softball. No one can figure out why or how we win, but we … just … keep … getting … it … DONE.

So forget about the 9-3 loss. Remember that we play games our way on our field. That means we don’t warm up, we drink heavily, and we hit singles or whatever else will score runs. We’re off next week, but when we come back after the 4th of July, I want the Oracles to strike another blow for American independence and win another game. If we all don’t shape up and win more games on our home field, I’ll be starting a future recap with this sad, sad, depressing video

Note from the Coach re: Game on 6/26

We’re playing Margin of Terror (ooh, I’m scared) this Thursday.

In: Mike, Brianne, Andrew, Lucinda, Chase, Miranda, Dana, Delicia

Out: Darren, Adam, Britt, Tim, Nelson

Anyone else?


Without Nelson, Adam or Tim playing I’m sort of at a loss as to who can pick up and drive over the beer. Any volunteers?

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Brianne Kruger Nadeau

ORACLES WIN 5-1, NOW RANKED 7TH

This will be a brief recap this week, because I’m a busy man doing busy things. I swear.

Regardless of when you claim the game ended (7, 8, 9 innings?) the Oracles won in smashing fashion. The official state line read something like Chase 5 - DNC 1. Or at least it seemed that way, as Chase “Showboating like a luxury yacht” Groseclose followed the invaluable advice of Patches O’Houlihan: “Dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge”. Somehow, all that dodging led to Sportscenter Web Gems-worthy catches and one towering home run. You have not seen someone take softball too seriously until you’ve seen Chase dive into foul territory in the first inning. The DNC at that point said “fuck it” and mailed in the rest of their game.

But before we lionize only Chase, it is important to note how unusual the game was:

1. The Oracles took the lead in the first inning
2. The Oracles weren’t losing after the first inning
3. How much clearer can I make this: the Oracles TOOK THE LEAD FOR GOOD at the BEGINNING OF THE GAME
4. Nelson “Dude, why didn’t you click my link” Freeman didn’t wear boat shoes
5. Dana didn’t lose a beer on the mound
6. Neither team scored in the double digits
7. Brianne “Oops, I fell over something. Oops, I fell over something. Oops, I fell over for no reason” Nadeau finally broke the sound barrier, sprinting like a pack of vicious chihuahuas were nipping at her heels … to the bathroom
8. Dana “Chimney” MacDonald pitched all seven innings without her alter ego Lucinda
9. The game ended because we won, not because of darkness

But then again, not everything changed.
1. Brianne fell over
2. Christy “You guys are way more fun, cool, and sexy than my boring work team” Weisner made awkward comments about immigrants … while talking about how she made awkward comments about immigrants last year
3. Amy “Dirt Devil” Gibson Grant turned 2nd base into a black hole for opposing hitters, while Delicia "Opera isn't torture" Reynolds guarded the 3rd base line with a fervor generally reserved for her love (of her job) life.
4. Brian “Do as I say, not as I do” Wagner forgot to cover 2nd base after lecturing everyone on covering their bases
5. Sam “Don’t Rush Me” Simon took a leisurely stroll around the fence while the team waited for him to complete the outfield lineup
6. The West “In-bred” Virginians didn’t show up
7. Roy “Yes, I’m married. I’ve told you before” Chrobocinski continued to make the team look competent at 1st base.

Congratulations, Oracles. You are now 6-2 for the season and RANKED 7TH! As a special treat, please see the following link from last year where another team brags about defeating the Oracles … not much bragging going on in Two Zero Zero Eight.

The Hitmen (May 24, 2007) http://www.hitmensoftball.org/?p=23 (and holy shit, they have videos posted. That is a serious effort. You can even see Tim in the video “close at 3rd”

Let’s just hope the DNC learns how to handle their bats and gloves before November; the RNC isn’t just going to roll over and die on the field or at the polls.

One final note: Later in the evening at Pour House, who did I run across but our favorite drunken West Virginians, Miranda and Andrew. Andrew was lying on the couch with his arm around a foxy lady, while Miranda was running around slapping people on the ass. They just need to ask themselves ... is that really better than softball?

Note from the Coach re: Game on 6/19

Next week we go head to head at 6:45 pm at the Field of Dreams against the DNC team. I actually know people on this team, and they deserve to get their asses kicked.

So far:

In: Amy, Brianne, Mike, Roy, Nelson, Sam, Delicia, Chase, Brian, Tim, Dana, Christy

Out: Darren, Ian, Adam

Let me know what else you got.

B

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Brianne Kruger Nadeau

Oracles Win 16-9, Now Ranked 11th

My, my, my. Where ... to ... start?

So much has happened since 6:30 pm last night that is of concern to Oracles everywhere, so let's start with ... a random recap of my night!

As many of you have learned, Christy has sobered up a bit now that she's in law school, and no longer drinks 7 nights a week. Due to this "new attitude", she declined to join me when I went to NW to join Mary Beth "Absent Team Mom" Houlihan at a house party. Having already downed many beers at the game, I decided it would be an amazing idea to partake with whiskey in one hand, and a can of Sparks in the other (nowhere as cool as the med student who COMBINED the two and discovered, to his surprise, that it tasted like orange-flavored Robitussin). Eventually, the party moved out to the steps, until we were chased back inside by two undercover cops, dressed in dime store Harley Davidson t-shirts with badges hanging from their necks like name tags that should have read "Hi, I'm here to ruin your fun!" Eventually, Mary Beth left, but by that point, I had befriended enough random people that I somehow became part of the after-party party at that august institution, Stetson's. Around 1:30 a.m., I realized I had to get home, so I proceeded to walk, according to Google Maps, about 3.5 miles home. And no, I don't remember getting home.

Now, after that recap, you may be asking, what the hell does that have to do with the game? Has Brian's hubris finally overtaken all his objective journalistic skills? Nay, I say! As I stood outside the party at one point, still wearing my Oracles shirt, I heard a shout from the top of the steps: "Hey, Oracle!" I looked up the steps, and the guy continued, "are you one of the Sarbanes' Oracles?" Responding in the affirmative, I joined in conversation with the guy, who it turns out, was a former member of the Oracles back when he worked for Senator Sarbanes. He still owns the shirt, and was excited to learn that we still existed, though he declined to rejoin the team. His name, unfortunately, has completely slipped my mind, but he did 'fess up to knowing both Tim and Jason Gleason. When I told him that we were in fact 5-2 and NOW RANKED 11TH, a glazed look passed through his eyes, and he admitted that when he was an Oracle, he never knew what it was like to be a winning team. I left him for more Sparks and whiskey at that point, while he revisited painful memories of earlier years when Oracles' victories were apparently few and far between.



Now, after much ado about nothing, to the game!

Congratulations to the Oracles, who beat EPA's Gang of Green 16-9 in this year's first game on the Field of Dreams. Despite, or maybe due to their environmentally-friendly style of play (hey, if you never get on base, you don't disturb the dirt!), the G of G could not overcome the increasingly consistent Oracles. The biggest threat to the Oracles, at the beginning of the game, was the lack of players. Luckily, just as we were taking the field, Sam "I'd prefer not to run to make the field in time" Simon and Molly "Hi, I have a dog. Have you met my dog? I love my dog. Do you have a dog? My dog is better!" Simmons showed up, and a few innings later, were joined by the hard-hitting, directionally inept Andrew "I can't tell the difference between an 'S' and an 'N' in directions" Stasiowski. Able to field a full team, the Oracles bounced back from a historically rough first inning, where seven runs were surrendered and the cobwebs were in full display. But, like a well-timed spanking by a strict parent willing to risk the ire of the law, the disastrous first inning only served to anger the Oracle juggernaut.

In the following innings, the Oracles overcame the initial 7-0 hole to take a 11-7, then 13-9, and finally, a 16-9 lead. We may start slowly, but we're a crazy train (allll abooarrrd!) once we start rolling. Inning by inning, the Gang of Green, those wacky, wacky faux-environmentalists, grew more and more depressed as their initial, tantalizing taste of juicy victory slowly morphed into a bitter lemon of defeat. But nothing contributed to the depths of the GoG's depression more than getting thrown out at home late in the game. How depressing it must have been for the old guy to get to home and see Lucinda "Gold Gloves to spare" Lessley standing there, glove and ball politely extended. Oh, I'm sorry, did you intend to reach home plate? OUR BAD. Sorry, GoG, you lost. Game. Set. Match.


MVP: You. Yes, you. In a game where the Oracles seemed to score through sheer scrappiness and chutzpah, everyone was hitting singles and scoring runs. The only person who wasn't MVP was Andrew "Why hit a single when I can win personal glory with a selfish three-run dinger" Stasiowski. Way to not be a team player. We would give you a map with directions to finding your team spirit, but you'd probably get lost and find a parade in your honor instead. Then again, we were probably just lucky that you didn't hit the home run out of the wrong field. Just remember, Stasiowski, we are all calling you Pumpkin from now on.

Best Cheering Section: And it's a tie between the little kids who were all up in our shiznit, and the cops who returned after a year-long hiatus of fighting crime to cheer on the Oracles, particularly Christy "There's my girl!" Weisner.

WTF Award: The Gang of Green first base coach. Way to be an asshole. Just call your teammate out when he's out. Don't try to win through cheating.

The "Oh, that crazy Nelson" Award: It goes to ... NELSON! Thanks for letting us know that you call every girl you date "Pumpkin". It's just another element that makes you uniquely you.

MVF (Most Valuable Field): The Field of Dreams. What else can be said that hasn't already been noted? Oh, what's that? We should butcher another song (from the Talking Heads, no less) to create a paean to the F of D? Ok, if you insist ...

We play on a field of dreams
We burn the basepaths, leaving tracks of fire
Should we awake
And find it gone
Remember this, our favorite field of dreams

From Sarbanes and Cummings
And offices in between
They made this little field here
That we play on to this day

We play on the field of dreams
We burn the basepaths, leaving tracks of fire
Should we awake
And find it gone
Remember this, our favorite field of dreams

Until next week ...

From the Coach re: Game on 6/12

Oracles will go head-to-head with EPA’s Gang of Green this Thursday at 6:30. (Ed. note: at the Field of Dreams, where Oracles reign supreme)



In: Brianne, Tim, Christy, Brian, Ian, Amy, Sam

Out: Adam, Britt, Dana


What about the rest of you?

B

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Brianne Kruger Nadeau

ORACLES WIN 17-4, NOW RANKED #13

Teacher: "Alright kids, now open your picture books to page 12! Today we are going to try something a little different. I know you were all looking forward to finding Waldo, but he's on strike until his pension plan is restored. Instead, today we are going to ... FIND BRIANNE!"
Kids: "Yayyy .... who?"
Teacher: "She is the Captain and heart of the Oracles softball team, a very important person. You should all try REALLY hard to find her."

5 minutes later

Fat Kid with Runny Nose: "Teacher, I can't find Brianne!"
Teacher: "I'm sure she's there, you just need to look harder."
FKwRN: "I swear, she's not there. The only Oracle I can find is Brian."
Teacher: "What a letdown ..."


In a game marred only by the absence of Captain Brianne (ably replaced by the similarly named Captain Brian) and by the sheer incompetence of the DOJers pitching staff, the Oracles ran roughshod over a team that was simply not meant to be on the same field at the same time playing the same sport.

For once, the Oracles combined awe-inspiring and towering drives with quick gloves and steady arms, cracking down on the DOJers with a fury normally reserved for angry gods in ancient myths (the game left everyone Thor ... get it?). Despite the inability of the DOJers captain to toss a ball over the plate, and despite his apparent resemblance to Napoleon Dynamite--I still don't see it, but I'll trust you guys--the Oracles found their groove in the second inning and efficiently churned out runs and chalked up outs. Dana and Lucinda manned the mound with a steadfastness that warmed the cockles of the Oracles' large hearts, and the constantly position-swapping infield made the plays that got the outs.

But all the efficiency in the world was overshadowed by the wonderful Ian-to the infield-to Dana relay that robbed a DOJer of what looked to be an easy run at home. In the world of softball, it is unheard of to be thrown out at home on an outfield hit. But that is the Oracles for you, doing the unexpected and generally just rocking your world. All you gotta ask is, "What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!"

After the game, the Oracles gathering quickly dispersed for a Christy-free evening of no drinking (Christy, you are our enabler, come back to us!) but not until the team drained Nelson's impromptu beer cooler of all its delicious Bud Light and Yuengling. Major props to Nelson for being Nelson.


Watch out for: The sinkhole ... oops, too late.

MVP: Nelson. Hit some towering drives, but most importantly, created his own, environmentally-friendly beer transportation and storage device.



Best impersonation of the Incredible Hulk: Goes to Tim, for his ranting and raving on the third base line after a foul call that offended his delicate sensibilities. He apologized later, but we are now very scared. VERY scared.

The Coach is good for something: Goes to me (Brian) for breaking out of my home run drought, and then turning what looked to be a fly-out into a frenetic, topsy-turvy triple that involved more scampering and sliding than a day at a water park.

Looking Forward to: The Field of Dreams becoming a reality next week. The Field of Dreams: A Squatter-Free Enviroment (I was going to write "Squat-Free" but then I remembered Nelson's proclivity to use nature as his restroom).

Missing Persons Report: The West Virginians, Andrew and Miranda. I realize the lyrics to the song are: "Country Roads, take me home/To the place I belong/West Virginia, mountain mama/Take me home, country roads." But can you go home at a time when you haven't promised to play with us?

Last words: America, still Fuck Yeah

From the Coach re: Game on 6/5

We are playing the DOJers at 6:30 pm and they are getting a field near the Washington Monument, 17th street side.

In: Lucinda, Adam, Andrew, Mike, Roy, Delicia, Amy, Brian

Out: Brianne, Britt, Christy

What’s up with the rest of you suckers?



Adam has the bat and balls

Nelson is getting the beer, right? With Yeungling this time?

Brian is the coach (and blogger)



I just spoke with the coach of “Raising Arizona” and they’ll be at Pour House again on Thursday if you want a rematch. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.