Continuing their penchant for close finishes, the Oracles knocked off the Champs (better change that name, guys) 19-17 in a five-inning slugfest. To the surprise of no one, this week's game played out like every other game this season: bats exploding in the air, and gloves fumbling on the ground. Standing on the precipice of extremism, Andrew "Jekyll and Hyde" Stasiowski enjoyed the best of times, and the worst of times. On a night when his sterling field skills were tarnished and his throws wilder than bingo night at the senior center, he dug deep and became a beast at the plate, sending balls rocketing into the outfield with a precision and repetition that was breathtaking (as opposed to Nelson's at-bats, which just left him breathless from running a few feet).
Armed with a ridiculous amount of beer, the whole team contributed to the effort, as Christy "Anything you can do I can do better" Weisner broke out of her slump to hit a round-tripper that had the law school intramural softball scouts furiously scribbling in their notebooks. The other ladies of the Oracles (Amy "Ichiro" Gibson-Grant, Brianne "Thank God Christy is here" Nadeau, Mary Beth "Christy asked me if I was any good, and I said I was OK. She told me I could be keep score. I'm not bitter" Houlihan, Dana "Do you like my necklace? I can't get it off for the game" MacDonald and Molly "What do you mean my dog can't play in the outfield. FUCK YOU cat lover!" Simmons) displayed an astonishing gusto for legging out infield hits for singles, and occasionally stretching out for a double.
While the game could in no way be called a pitcher's duel -- that would require five innings to pass without 36 runs being scored -- the pitchers certainly had it out for each other. Dana "You call that pitching?" MacDonald got into a hissy fit with the other team's pitcher, known only by the sobriquet of "The Kid". We all hoped that she would beat the living daylights out of the upstart with the Elvis sunglasses, but Dana, in all her aged wisdom, realized that violence was not the answer, and that victory would be so much sweeter if she wasn't being hauled off by police for assault with intent to seriously injure.
Keep up the good work Oracles.
Looking forward: June 12, the Oracles and Julio head back the schoolyard. No more fighting for a slice of field; soon we'll be basking in our own dugout with our own manicured diamond.
Eagerly anticipating: A day in the future when Tim, thanks to the use of Botox in areas other than his face (why mess with that smile?) swings softly at the ball with one hand on the bat (and taps it backwards for a foul, of course), then, with a wicked grin, slowly adds his second hand to the bat, shifts his stance, and cracks a home run. Yet, still has someone run for him.
Props to: Everyone. This was one hell of a team effort. Now let's just learn how to field.
Welcome to: Nelson's friend Chase. He doesn't have a nickname yet, or a hit. Which is a good reason for him to come back next week.
Welcome back to: Jason "I'm going to meet Cal Ripken Jr. so watch me belt two massive home runs. What steroids?" Gleason
What the fudge? to: Christy "Guys, the sun is setting somewhere in the world right now, and so we should probably call the game in anticipation of it getting dark at some point in the future -- because, well, the earth rotates around the sun, meaning that dark follows light -- so lets quit now just to be safe" Weisner
And here it is, a moment of zen for America and the Oracles ... fuck yeah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq2_YKQGE_U
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Next Oracles game: May 29 at 6:30 pm
From the Captain:
Here's what we've got for tomorrow:
Playing: Adam, Brianne, Dana, Tim, Jason, Brian, Mike, Ian, Amy
Not Playing: Lucinda, Britt, Roy, Sam, Delicia
Fill in the blanks.
We'll play at 6:30. I'm hoping the other team can get the field, but if
not, at least it's recess.
--------------------------
Brianne Kruger Nadeau
Here's what we've got for tomorrow:
Playing: Adam, Brianne, Dana, Tim, Jason, Brian, Mike, Ian, Amy
Not Playing: Lucinda, Britt, Roy, Sam, Delicia
Fill in the blanks.
We'll play at 6:30. I'm hoping the other team can get the field, but if
not, at least it's recess.
--------------------------
Brianne Kruger Nadeau
Friday, May 23, 2008
Oracles recap: 5/22
To whom it may concern:
I write on behalf of the (Baltimore) Oracles, who would like to apply for the job of Senior Ass-Whupper at your firm. I believe that last night's pyrotechnic display, highlighted by grandiose displays of athleticism and derring-do, serves as a accurate representation of the team's ability to open a can of whup-ass on the unsuspecting and unprepared.
After yet another stressful search for our very own field of dreams, the Oracles had to settle for a field of ... nothing rhymes here. Anyway, the Oracles settled for a field that left them wedged in by walking paths and another team's puny and pathetic game. Luckily, the opposing team (whose name I never learned and don't care to know) had some elderly negotiators who talked their way onto a neighboring patch of grass. That almost allows me to forgive them for their obsession with using newspapers for bases on a windy day. They had to be a team of theoretical physicists, because they sure weren't in tune with reality.
As is par for the course for the Oracles, the game didn't get underway until the cows had come home and the kickball pansies were already wrapping up their "games" (better suited for kindergarten recess if you ask me). Despite high-wind conditions that grounded lesser teams, the Oracles shrugged off a quiet first two innings to take the game and shake it into submission, like Britney with her baby. Oh yeah, we went there. Nothing's too soon for the Oracles.
Why, you really had to be there to take in the full glory of the team's devastating broadsides, with Andrew "I don't need no alibi-bye-bye baseball" Griffey's deep bombs burying the other team under a flurry of runs. We can play a little defense too; witness Adam "Jumbo Slice" Morgan's ability to turn double plays like a New York hooker turning tricks in the governor's mansion.
To put it in the simplest terms, the Oracles are the shiznit. We can whup ass (on a good day) like no other. We aren't a team of superstars and college dropouts with big muscles and small brains; no, we are a team of specialists and experts, using psychological warfare (trash-talking Tim is our chief weapon) and singles to score runs and ruin lives.
So we present this game to you as our resume, our calling card, and our claim to excellence. We expect to be hearing back from you soon.
Sincerely,
Brian Wagner
Oracle #00 (License to Thrill?)
In other news:
Comeback Playa Award goes to Christy because ... she came back. Yeah. I would commend her batting skills, but unfortunately, all of her superstar teams at UVA seem to have taught her to avoid getting on base. We'll have to rid her of that proclivity. Also, someone give that girl a map of the Commerce building she works in; getting lost is not something an Oracle should have to deal with.
Most Valuable Peep award goes to Lucinda because I got the best photos of her whacking the ball (that's how we roll around here, highly arbitrarily). Next week we'll give a retroactive award to Stella (the dog) for excellence in unusual fielding (no pictures, unfortunately)
Special thanks to the folks at the Tune In for serving us with kindness, greasy food, and plenty of beer. If this e-mail had a sponsor, it would be those guys (well, we do have a sponsor, straight from Sesame Street. Today's email is brought to you by ... the number 5!).
I write on behalf of the (Baltimore) Oracles, who would like to apply for the job of Senior Ass-Whupper at your firm. I believe that last night's pyrotechnic display, highlighted by grandiose displays of athleticism and derring-do, serves as a accurate representation of the team's ability to open a can of whup-ass on the unsuspecting and unprepared.
After yet another stressful search for our very own field of dreams, the Oracles had to settle for a field of ... nothing rhymes here. Anyway, the Oracles settled for a field that left them wedged in by walking paths and another team's puny and pathetic game. Luckily, the opposing team (whose name I never learned and don't care to know) had some elderly negotiators who talked their way onto a neighboring patch of grass. That almost allows me to forgive them for their obsession with using newspapers for bases on a windy day. They had to be a team of theoretical physicists, because they sure weren't in tune with reality.
As is par for the course for the Oracles, the game didn't get underway until the cows had come home and the kickball pansies were already wrapping up their "games" (better suited for kindergarten recess if you ask me). Despite high-wind conditions that grounded lesser teams, the Oracles shrugged off a quiet first two innings to take the game and shake it into submission, like Britney with her baby. Oh yeah, we went there. Nothing's too soon for the Oracles.
Why, you really had to be there to take in the full glory of the team's devastating broadsides, with Andrew "I don't need no alibi-bye-bye baseball" Griffey's deep bombs burying the other team under a flurry of runs. We can play a little defense too; witness Adam "Jumbo Slice" Morgan's ability to turn double plays like a New York hooker turning tricks in the governor's mansion.
To put it in the simplest terms, the Oracles are the shiznit. We can whup ass (on a good day) like no other. We aren't a team of superstars and college dropouts with big muscles and small brains; no, we are a team of specialists and experts, using psychological warfare (trash-talking Tim is our chief weapon) and singles to score runs and ruin lives.
So we present this game to you as our resume, our calling card, and our claim to excellence. We expect to be hearing back from you soon.
Sincerely,
Brian Wagner
Oracle #00 (License to Thrill?)
In other news:
Comeback Playa Award goes to Christy because ... she came back. Yeah. I would commend her batting skills, but unfortunately, all of her superstar teams at UVA seem to have taught her to avoid getting on base. We'll have to rid her of that proclivity. Also, someone give that girl a map of the Commerce building she works in; getting lost is not something an Oracle should have to deal with.
Most Valuable Peep award goes to Lucinda because I got the best photos of her whacking the ball (that's how we roll around here, highly arbitrarily). Next week we'll give a retroactive award to Stella (the dog) for excellence in unusual fielding (no pictures, unfortunately)
Special thanks to the folks at the Tune In for serving us with kindness, greasy food, and plenty of beer. If this e-mail had a sponsor, it would be those guys (well, we do have a sponsor, straight from Sesame Street. Today's email is brought to you by ... the number 5!).
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